I am one nasty carpenter with one nasty mouth. I am currently building a giant wooden udder the size of a giant loaf of bread. I have transcribed thirty-seven naughty phrases into different languages on each teat. I will place it inside of the elementary school (which I built) and force all of the children to look at it. I will convince them that if they do not appreciate my carpentry that they will die of the black plague.
If you are in need of romance or romance advice, I am unavailable. I cannot find you a hot date. I cannot teach you how to woo another. I cannot assist you with romance of any kind; I must focus on my woodwork.
My woodwork is very special. I make everything with my hands. I have made a gallery of noses and on each nose I carved the names of all of the trees that your grandfather has made out with/slept with/cuddled/ killed. I have multiple stacks of paper and on each of them is a sonnet about my love for wood.
If I could marry any kind of wood I would marry Knotty Pine because it is the naughtiest of woods. When we are together I feel extra popular! I like feeling popular! It means I am the man/woman of the trees. I can build whatever I want, like an airplane full of jokes or a termite full of pantyhose. I just really like stuffing things with pantyhose.
I am also a bachelor/spinster of some sorts. I have the contact information of every type of wood in my cell phone. Every day I call one up and plan a hike/date/boat ride or plan to slice him/her in half. If the woods are lucky I will wrap them up in pantyhose and call them beautiful lady.
This is just business, so I would like to keep things casual. I am looking for an assistant not a person to kiss on the mouth. I am looking for people to buy my woodwork and anyone who would like to discuss my woodwork with or without me. If you are interested write me a letter, since that is the most qualified form of communication these days.
About the Author: Eleanor Thom is a senior visual arts student concentrating in video, sculpture, and installation. This video is a part of an installation that juxtaposes memory that exists in your mind and memory that can only exist in a photograph or a video.