May 2016 - Comments Off

Janie Radler

In Praise of Being “That Blonde Bitch”

Hello! I am the newest member of the club
Of the Blonde Bitch Clan (BBC for short)
Because of this, I am nervous
I am nervous that they will find me out
Because I am the fakest of them all
I am that fake blonde bitch
Some people might think this would help me fit in better
But this is not the case
Because I am one big lye
(You could make ten bars of soap with me)
It’s the way the brown grows in on my lemon-shaped head
It is Muddy, Thick, and just Plain Gross
What if they think I am part of MTPG?
¡Ay, mi madre! ¡Dios no lo quiera! ¡No!
No one has yet to ask me what inspired
This drastic change of lifestyle
Not that I would tell them the truth
I don’t want to say Justin Bieber’s decision to go blonde reassured me
But it reassured me
I cannot tell you the exact day I made the decision
But I can tell you what I was wearing
A black, semi-shear dress and boots
Velvet and over the knee, my mud hair
Sitting on top of it all

It is now day seven of being apart of the BBC
And I can’t say things have gotten much better
I look in the mirror and my inner-photographer gets the best of me
“NOT ENOUGH CONTRAST” she says
“YOU LOOK LIKE A WAFFLE” she says
“But in a cute way?” I ask
“No, in a soggy without syrup way”
She really hit me where it counted
If I can’t convince myself
It’s only a matter of time before the others find out
And spit on me or throw dirt on me and say things like
“You dirty hippy!
Go crawl back into the ethnically ambiguous hole
From which you came”
I will do my best not to cry syrupy tears
But I cannot make any promises

I will continue to wear hats
Well into the summer time
When they ask if I want to go swimming
I will say I am allergic to water
With a very serious face
When they ask if I want to go to yoga
I will say I have already reached enlightenment
So it really wouldn’t do me any good
When they finally ask me why
“DON’T YOU TAKE OFF THAT STUPID HAT”
“I HAVE PERPETUALLY BAD HAIR DAYS, OK”

And that’s the story of how
I am no longer a member of the Blonde Bitch Clan
But at least I can finally
Scratch my head
And wash my hair
Without anything getting in the way

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