May 2016 - Comments Off

Lucas Marten

I'm Just Glad to Be Here

“I stopped the bleeding.”
Starting my physical assessment.

“Vocalize, please.”

“Starting my physical assessment.”
Checking for DOTS.

“What are you looking for?”

“Deformities, Open wounds, Tenderness, and Swelling.
Checking for blood.
No blood.”

“There’s blood.”

“So they’re bleeding from two places.”

Check mark.

“Applying pressure.”

“It’s not working.”

“Applying more pressure.”

Check mark.

“I’m going to pass.”

“Don’t say that out loud.”

“I’m going to fail.”

“Don’t say that out loud.”

“I stopped the bleeding.
Are you paying more this year?”

“No.

Do you still want the job?”

“Yes.”

Quiet People Are Stupid and They Don’t Talk Because They Are Not Capable of the High Thought Processes That We Know* To Be Associated With Talking

No one quietly became President of the United States.
No quiet Vanderbilt ever built the railroads,
And no quiet son of Fred Chase Koch ever cracked oil into gasoline
Or pays your congresspeople their good, fine, American salaries.

The only reason I am in front of you now,
Is because I am a reformed quiet person.
Yes! I was once like you,
But then I became better.
And that’s what happens when you become a better person:
You talk more.
All of the greatest people in the world were great speakers,
And all great speakers are great people*.

Quiet people are rare, thank God, and unnecessary for a well-functioning society.
Their upbringing is a universal travesty.
Quiet people were breast-fed by quiet-breasted mothers,
Usually for far too long.
The sperm that produced them is generally among the slowest and most disappointing.
Everyone, especially the ovum, is shocked when the quiet sperm manages to develop
Into a quiet fetus.

Yes! I was a quiet child.
And I also used to kill cats for fun.
I never spoke up in school,
And I never, once, honored the holy Sabbath.
If you don’t think that’s important, you really don’t belong here.

The first thing that I noticed when I started to talk more,
Was that people started to listen to me more.
Sometimes people didn’t even know what to say back to me,
And that was how I knew that I was finally better than them.
Most people who listen to me are absolute idiots. (Not you, of course)

So if everyone could please take the hand of their neighbor and join me in a silent prayer,
In which we may all singly condemn the least productive members of our society,
The quiet people.

(…)

Close your eyes, too, please.

(…)

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